SEPTEMBER 27th, 2016
By LANA CARBON
Hello everyone. I know it has been a while since John and I have been posting regularly but hopefully that will be turning around soon. We had wanted to write these articles about our interests and day trips as a bit of fun and to possibly entertain you, as well as ourselves. We soon began to realize that we were beginning to stress over getting articles out and what direction we were going to take Carbon Lilies; it was starting to take a toll on us and that was the last thing that we wanted. We decided we would take a short break and, well, that break lasted a bit longer than we intended as life seemed to pile up and one thing led to another… the timing to come back just never seemed right. Sure, we started a few articles (which I’m sure we will finish now that we are back in the saddle, so to speak) but they just seemed laboured.
As I was flipping through our feed on FaceBook, I came across an article from our friends over at Outta. Sally Goncalves, who started Outta, has been friends with John for a long time. In fact, way back in March, John wrote one of the first guest blog articles for Sally (Supporting Those We Love with Mental Illnesses - March 10th, 2016). I can’t even recall now which article it was that caught my attention, but I know it inspired me to write about the tough times I was having and the things I was trying to do to overcome the dark feelings I was experiencing. You see, that is what Outta does. They promote self care awareness and help fund mental health initiatives by selling activewear and donating a percentage of the proceeds to worthy charities.
Below, you will find the article that Outta so kindly posted on their blog on Aug 26th, 2016 by yours truly, Lana Carbon.
Let me preface this by saying that I have trouble verbalizing. I can write my thoughts, and somewhat my feelings, but to get into an actual conversation horrifies me. I have always had difficulty expressing myself so this may be a jumbled mess by the time I am done. If so, please forgive me.
The last year and a half has been a little rough. At the end of January 2015, I was in a car accident just as I was preparing to make a huge move to be with the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I received whiplash, a concussion and bruised ribs. It could have been much worse I suppose. A couple of weeks later, I had started my new job but after only two months, I was stricken with some kind of dizziness and headache that sent me home halfway through my shift. Over a year later, even as I write this now, these symptoms continue with little relief in sight.
In June 2015, my father was diagnosed with stomach cancer, which led to surgery in October to have it removed. The doctors seemed happy with the results and he appeared to be improving rapidly. In April 2016 however, he was admitted to the hospital because he was having difficulty walking. He only left the hospital for one day after that, before a fall sent him right back in. His condition quickly deteriorated and we lost him on June 9th.
Through all of this I have tried to be strong. I don’t want to burden my loved ones with the pain I have been feeling. I feel that I need to be strong for them. I didn’t think that I had time to let myself deal with my emotions. So what did I do? I pushed them back deep inside and ignored them. Then more and more piled on top and the weight of the burden was harder and harder to take. I could feel myself slip further and further into frustration and a growing dark place. That dark place can be really tough to escape.
So what do I do now? Luckily for me, my partner is super caring and patient. She encourages me to talk to her on my own time…once I am ready. Of course, she always hints that I am already there if I would just realize it myself. I can tell you that I still deeply dislike talking but I have begun trying with her…a little bit. That is a start, right? Every step forward, no matter how small, is still a step in the right direction. At least, that is what I have heard.
If you are interested in helping out a worthy cause in your city, looking for some activewear knowing your purchase will be aiding others, or even have a story to share that someone might find inspirational, educational, entertaining or (as it was for me) cathartic, visit the website www.outta.ca or reach out to info@outta.ca. Make sure to check out their shop… John is a huge fan of the hair ties.
